For some time now I feel like Im wandering around without a clear direction let alone destination. I think alot about where I want to go to, what the next step for me should be, but I cant really find it.
I went through some of my old emails and got a glimpse of my spiritual journey and its quite interesting (at least for me) to see how I developed and in a sense I think by tracing this I may get a better idea of where Im heading to:
Pentecostalism
I was born into Pentecostalism, to be more precise a subsidiary of the Foursquare Church in L.A.
I started out slowly, I always knew about believing and what it entailed and felt a day would come when I would devote myself but just knew I liked being young too much and didnt want to give up on many things:) after some time an event took place which shook my world and made me fall into emptiness, the logical step was to increase my devotion to God because He would be the only One to fill up that space.
Got baptized and began fervently to read the Bible and tried to convert everybody to what I believed:) my teachers in that time were mainly Pentecostal figures like Benny Hinn, but also C.H. Spurgeon, Charles Finney, Derek Prince and although he was too soft for me Philip Yancey.
Fired up
As I said, nearly everywhere I tried to convert people and at one point I started to make flyers to spread these in the train with Bible verses on them to stimulate people to get to know God. I also made a website for this and of course paid for all this myself.
This devotion went on for some time and I longed to serve God so deeply that I was willing to sacrifice anything for it.
I tried to read the Bible on my own as I reasoned that every believer has equal access to the Holy Spirit so theres no real difference between somebody who studied or who didnt study. Besides that the idea of reading something by someone who didnt confirm all tenets of my faith, which for me included things like gifts of the Holy Spirit and the right bible version, never crossed my mind.
Heresy hunting
I dont really know when but someone from my church who saw himself as a heresy hunter started to make me aware of the only true version of the Bible; the Dutch equivalent of the King James Version. And tried to persuade me of how evil the other Bible translators were.
Young and naive as I was, I believed him and started to tell this to other people as well and found myself very focused on having the right translation. Luckily after some time I realised that he was exaggerating at the point of being dangerous so I distanced myself from him.
A new direction
I did retain the motive to find the purest truth and in some way got in touch with the idea that God hadnt given up on the Jewish people. There were various support groups for Israel so I started to read more of their stuff on websites and attended some church sessions. Soon I was completely focused on that and read the Jerusalem Post daily turning into a fervent Zionist.
I found out about churches that were focused on this, as I was missing this in my church and started to enquire about them. Soon I ended up in what is called Hebrew Christianity or by others Messianic Judaism.
If you read up till now you can imagine what happened next, I devoured everything about it, bought all books tried to learn about everything they thought in a couple of months.
I am wrong?
In some way I learned that the Jews werent abandoned and had some ideas which were really not bad for a group who didnt believe the exact same things as me.
I read more and realized that alot of the things I was taught in church were not true. The most prominent was the idea that the Torah was no longer relevant, that is to say, things like the Sabbath, keeping a kosher diet. I always thought those things belonged to the Old version of believing in God but in the new version which Jesus brought we didnt need any of these things anymore.
Well, I came to the conclusion that that was plain wrong and started to re-interpret all passages in the Bible that seemed to point to the Torah being obsolete. This became my next life goal and as you can imagine I went to the extreme in this as well and couldnt think about anything else anymore.
I got in touch with an organization called First Fruits of Zion and read all they produced in a very short time, I was a big fan and saw them and another organization called TorahResource as the only ones in this planet understanding the Bible.
Thou shalt keep the Sabbath
They taught that to be a good follower of Jesus or Yeshua as they preferred to call him, one needed to observe the Torah, that is, one needed to keep the Shabbat, kosher, etc.
As I was so devoted to following God, I didnt waste any minute and started to do it, to the best of my abilities. My parents of course were less prepared for all this so this led to many arguments. This proceeded for about a year or so after which I was completely immersed in Messianic Judaism, and in particular the teachers of the two organisations I mentioned above.
In the summer of 2007 I went to Israel for the first time and stayed there for 4 weeks, doing volunteering work and learning more about the culture and the religion.
All the while the teachers at FFOZ were becoming more and more orthodox, and I followed them to the point that I was waking up saying traditional Jewish prayers while wearing tefilin and a prayer shawl. Obviously my parents were horrified by all this and my life became more and more secluded. I didnt go out on friday night anymore, I didnt flirt with any girls anymore and saturday was practically sitting at home all day waiting until the evening.
In that period I tried to look for a place with people that had the same ideas and found this little group in The Hague with an quasi-evangelical service and some Jewish decorations. I attended it for about 5 months but as traveling is not allowed on the Shabbat, plus the average age was around 60, I stopped attending.
Research
This led to a difficult period with many discussions with my parents as this Shabbat thing isnt something you do once a year but happens every week! At some point I was so tired of the discussions that I decided I wanted to investigate whether this was really the true path, as otherwise I would unnecessarily be causing my parents anguish every week.
The first thing I found out was that besides the teachers at FFOZ and TorahResource nearly noone believed a non-Jew had to do this, but that wasnt enough to ease my conscience as I just thought the rest of scholars were missing the point, but it awoke me to the possiblity that actually FFOZ and TorahResource might be wrong, so I probed further. There was a certain passage in the Bible I couldnt get around (Acts 15) and I really worked hard to find the right interpretation. This is a passage in which the apostles deal with what is expected from the non-Jews.
One day while browsing the theological section of my university’s library I found this big work by David Flusser and Huub van der Sandt on the Didache. And their interpretation somehow struck the right note with me. They argued that in Acts 15 the apostles were simply directing the non-Jews to the prevailing notion of what was expected from non-Jews; which was at a minimum abstaining from murder, adultery and idolatry and as much as they could keep of the Torah they were encouraged to keep but this would be beyond the requirement. This really rocked my world, because this meant that non-Jews did not need to keep it! They could and it would be great but they didnt have to.
Freedom
In one way this was liberating as I could go out again fridaynight and didnt need to have discussions with my parents anymore. But in another way my world was less defined than before. I used to know exactly what I could and could not do but now it seemed so flexible, as it was no longer a sin if I went to work on the Sabbath or ate pork. So in some sense I lost my clear boundaries.
After this I realized it was important to read work that was more academically founded and as such I came in touch with more critical works.
Shaking my foundations
One name that had a particular influence on me was James D.G. Dunn with his book Christology in the Making. He showed in his book how many of the christological references in the New Testament actually did not imply divinity and how the idea of the incarnation (Jesus being God) was only present in one of the latest documents in the New Testament canon; the Gospel of John (cf. 1:14).
This led to a lot of confusion to me as the doctrine of the incarnation was very dear to me and the idea of it being not in the NT was outright blasphemy to me. But his presentation was so convincing I had to agree with him at some points.
I talked to various professors about my doubts but couldnt find a satisfying answer.
Now any committed Christian understands how big a crisis I was heading for; to reject this meant I would fall out of the fold! As it is one of the things salvation hangs upon! I too realised this and tried to keep my faith in it, but slowly started to see the evidence pile up against it. Until I came to a point that I couldnt possibly maintain my belief in Jesus being the Eternal Son, the second member of the Trinity, anymore, so I slowly let go off it.
In the closet
I didnt tell anyone in my surroundings about this, especially not my parents, as I knew this would be heartbreaking for them and my environment.
In that summer I went for the second time to Israel but this time for a shorter period. Again I had a great time, met a lot of people, learned a lot of new things and was happy to be close to what appealed to me.
Away from home
After that summer I went to study from September until January in Istanbul at its prestigious Bogazici University. It would be the first time I lived on my own and I was really looking forward to it.
My hopes were confirmed I had the most wonderful time overthere and again underwent quite a transformation.
While being there I think I attended church for 3-4 times in 4 months so I didnt have much influence from Christians around me. But the strange thing was that I didnt miss it, I didnt miss going to church and being involved as I didnt really feel at home in church, I felt too different.
In Istanbul a lot of my former boundaries were stretched, well perhaps just simply, crossed. I do not wish to go into details but several things which I would have never done a couple of months before I went, I did overthere. Not terrible things, I didnt use drugs or anything:P but well just different.
During my time overthere I continued to read and explore and the pull towards Judaism increased. During December I went again to Israel (I have a very generous father:D) and stayed there for 10 days, where I again had an exciting period, though this time I felt a bit more akward than before.
I felt this pull towards Judaism and a desire to identify myself with it but at the same time realised that this was not possible. The first reason being that I believed Jesus to be the awaited Messiah, the second for social reasons.
I returned to Istanbul and finished my time overthere. In the mean time I got to know this very special girl, and fell deeply in love with her:) the only complication besides the fact that she lived in Istanbul was that she did not share my beliefs, besides belief in God… but well her beautiful character and pure inner-being attracted me so much (not to mention that she is extremely beautiful:P) that I couldnt let her go anymore.
Back in Holland
So back in Holland, I continued my readings and got in touch with more academic works and at the same time I was reading a lot of Jewish books, but whereas I did so before with the motive of understanding Jesus better, I slowly started to read them for their own sake, that is to say, I read them because I considered them valuable on their own. My view of Judaism shifted from being a means to an end towards being an end in itself.
Academic approach
At the same time the academic works took over the place of the more popular and conservative works I was reading and hence abolished much of my traditional faith in the divinity of the Scriptures.
Naturally this way of approaching the text, I didnt apply only to the Christian reading but also to the Jewish reading and as a result grew skeptical of much of the traditional understanding of the text.
So I think we have arrived after 2326 words to the point I am at today:) which is probably somewhere close to the sign #
Judaism # | Christianity
In ideology I identify myself much more with some kind of version of Modern-Orthodox Judaism, but I do maintain the idea of Jesus being the Messiah and because of that I retain a connection to Christianity, though the church councils would probably deem me a heretic.
So looking back on this post what are your thoughts on where I am heading? I personally dont really know, somewhere deep inside I hope for a place of peace, internally as well as externally (i.e. my social environment) but it seems quite remote for now.
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for sharing. That’s quite the journey you have taken! And undoubtedly much still ahead of you.
One thing I have had to ask myself, one thing that has helped me to clearly define just who I am and what I believe is the following question:
“What have you been thoroughly exposed to and still rejected?”
If the answer is “very little” or “none”, it’s likely that person is too easily influenced by his peers. Swaying with the wind to the views of whatever mix of peers he’s exposed himself to.
But if you can instead define things you’ve been exposed to, and still rejected, ask yourself why you rejected those things. It helps define what matters to you.
Finally, be secure in changing beliefs.
Honestly, people pretend to have it all figured out. They don’t. Admitting uncertainty and non-finality is not a character weakness.
It’s funny that despite all the things that make everyone’s journey unique there are so many similarities.
I would encourage you to find an Orthodox Rabbi that you could talk to. Chabad seems to be very open to talking to gentiles. My local Rabbi meets with a group of gentiles weekly to answer questions and teach Torah. I think it could clear up a lot of questions you might have.
Daniel,
I myself am on a journey. I look back at theological “proofs” I wrote a year ago and can no longer accept those positions. I expect that next year, if I look at what I write today, it will be a similar deal.
I took the approach Joey mentioned, of studying with a rabbi. I now consider myself a Noachide with leanings toward more complete observance.
Let me recommend a few resources for your consideration. They should be good for thought, regardless of whether they take you to any new places in your journey.
http://www.amazon.com/Path-Righteous-Gentile-Introduction-Children/dp/087306433X
http://www.noahidenations.com/content/index.php
http://www.israelnationalnews.com/Radio/Author.aspx/1660
http://www.amazon.com/Christianity-Jewish-Terms-Radical-Traditions/dp/0813337801
http://outreachjudaism.org/biblical.html (All audio lectures can be downloaded for free)
Be blessed!
Judah:
Tnx for your comment. I do think that Ive been exposed to a lot of winds! And yes I have been swayed back and forth as well, not so much due to peer pressure as I dont discuss these issues alot with friends but yes books and [virtual] teachers have had a big influence on me. I do think that my present situation is one that is less due to the fact of one particular kind of teacher or book but more the outcome of the diverse ‘winds’ I have been exposed to that in a sense have created a critical, on the verge of skeptical, kind of attitude that looks for rational explanations and a well-balanced pursuit of spirituality.
Joey:
I am kind of familiar with Chabad and think much of their teachings when subjected to the same critical approach I employ to the NT (which brought me to where I am today) would discard alot of what they teach as well, but tnx anyway.
Dave:
Tnx for the links. I am familiar with Noachidism and other than books and links you cited I would recommend The Seven Laws of Noah by Aharon Lichtenstein which is a stronger work in terms of Rabbinic scope as well as in carefulness of falling into anachronistic readings. As for Outreach Judaism and in particularly the “Lets get Biblical” tapes; these are methodologically very much flawed, they rightly point out the contradictions in the NT and Christianity but if their logic is applied internally wrt Rabbinic literature/beliefs and the Tanakh much of it could be dismissed as well. You might do well to browse works of more academic rigour than the popular links you cited.
Blessings,
Daniel
Daniel,
A friend of mine went through something very similar. He eventually went to Judaism, then agnosticism. And then back.
Another acquaintance went from his parents Catholicism, to Protestant Christianity, to Messianic Judaism, to atheism, then back to Catholicism with a twist of Jewish focus.
It gets to a point where nothing is sacred, and everything can be thrown out.
I just want to warn you of the pitfalls I’ve seen other go into. Have you had thoughts of atheism or agnosticism?
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for sharing this great post! We can see similarities, as Joey said. I was reading your post and coming to your paragraph “Away from home”, I had to go, and these words Away from home resided in my mind. I thought, this is what you deal with. This is not strange. Doesn’t Abraham experience the same? He has a divine calling and it put him to a stranger in this land. It puts him on the way. Lecha! Go, to the land which I will show you. And it resulted in a lifelong journey. He received a divine calling with a promise. And although it is working out (finally) peace in the heart with God, it gives no peace on earth. He was and we are put forward on the way. That’s a special gift! But that way doesn’t reach its end on earth. See the promise of the people of Israel. Did they reach their land of milk and honey and peace? In fact they had to work hard under the reign of Solomon and after that, the wars where going on, started between brothers. It ended in diaspora. Did Yeshua brought peace? He said I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. What I would say is we must not expect a peaceful status quo on earth, which gives us a great and lucky life with final understanding. (In the circumstances of our days.) But a journey on the way of struggle through the (spiritual) tribulation of our time. But in the end the promise will be fulfilled. We need the Messiah to clear up the things! He will bring a good end. Blessing,
Jos
Daniel:
Modern Orthodoxy is very appealing. Have you read some Wyschogrod? Boyarin? Great stuff.
I think it is possible you are still trapped in a rationalist way of thinking, not embracing the mystery. There seems something formulaic: the proofs of Yeshua’s deity no longer convince me, therefore I reject Yeshua’s deity, therefore Modern Orthodoxy plus Yeshua as (non-divine) Messiah may be a home for me.
That’s putting a lot of faith in a chain of reasoning (foundationalism) with one link in the chain built on another. If you have more doubt, then you will not want to act too quickly on a chain of reasoning. You will embrace mystery and say, “I am unsure and I need not commit myself to a theology.”
Now, when it comes to practice, I think you should join in with a community. If I could convince you to move to L.A. and get in with some MJ community there, I would love to try. Heck, I’d love to have you in Atlanta, though I fear I am not a formidable enough teacher to guide one as bright as you.
I respect your position as you state it and understand its appeal, but I disagree. What smells like deity and looks like deity and talks like deity is deity. I don’t need the Fourth Gospel to convince me.
Also, leaving the deity issue aside, you will find your deepest longings unsatisfied in a purely Orthodox environment. The one who took on himself the Messianic woes and curses on behalf of Israel is not honored there. And it will depress you in time. Judaism without Yeshua is not the same. It is like unrealized potential, a glory short of fulness, a faith awaiting something more but not arriving. The book of Hebrews is a great source for meditating on this.
You are a person I love dearly and want to see the best for. Blessings and peace and I hope we talk about this more.
Derek Leman
I am sorry, but I have to say something. I have jumped from one form form of fundamentalism to another as well. I am afraid that if historical Christianity and historical Judaism are problematic, a secular perspective is even more troublesome. Scholars use anthropological theories to question texts and compare them to other forms of human experience this being the case supernatural perspecives are out the window. I would suggest to think about the purposes of G-d and how he is revealed in the midst of the confusion. If Moshiach expressed the character of G-d then our focus should be on emulating him and expressing our life within the context of a Jewish community as he did. If not possible, then we need to consider what it means to be his disciple and how his message of teshuva and kedusha can be lived out anywhere we are at. The debates about theological issues will always be there, but if we focus on the practical application of G-d’s will though his Torah our understanding will grow and our commitment to him will be based on our relationship with him and his people, not the problems that can be raised with different thoological perspectives.
Judah
I personally also had a friend who went from Pentecostalism to Messianic Judaism, then to Judaism, to Noachidism and eventually Atheism. So I can relate to what you are saying.
As for your question I find Atheism appaling so dont really think Ill ever end up there. As for Agnosticism, in some cases I think its a cop-out but in other instances see a sort of humility in it. Nonetheless I think the God of Israel does not grant this kind of space in commitment to Him, perhaps in creed yes, but in deed no.
Jos
Thank you very much for your encouragement, you are a true friend:)
Derek
I didnt read anything by Wyschogrod or Boyarin (yet) but did read books written from that perspective and really liked them. Besides that I have several friends who are Modern-Orthodox and find their lifestyle coupled with their ideology very appealing.
You are probably right that in some instances I give precedence to a critical and rationalist approach over a mysterious/mystical approach. This is difficult to escape though, especially in the field Im taught; economics, where rationality is seen more or less as the only way to enlightenment. Its not like I deliberately choose this but this approach is intuitively more appealing.
A community is something I long for so I agree fully with that. And I think my drive towards Judaism is to an extent inspired by that; a desire for belonging.
Thanks again for your comment,
Daniel T
I think you are right to point out that theological questions will always remain hence the need to remain strong in our commitment. The only problem I have with this, is that commitment is to a great extent based on the theology you hold hence experiencing problems on one plane inevitably impacts the other.
Blessings,
Daniel